30th Birthday...no longer a big deal...

Yesterday I turned 30.  It was a sad birthday for me.  We got home from Louisville on Sunday.  The service for Henry Thomas was beautiful.  It was short and lovely.  Many loved ones came and Graham and I had a lot of support.  The weather, although cold, was beautiful.  My little Henry is at rest now with my wonderful Nanny, and that gives me peace.  I'm filled with sadness though.  Two weeks ago today I thought my baby boy was healthy and growing in my belly.  I wish so badly I could go back to that day, but I suppose it wouldn't change anything.  Saturday evening, after the service, we were planning to join our family for dinner at a restaurant we have treasured for decades.  Unfortunately, an already sad occassion turned evil and vile when we all came down with a violent stomach bug.  Talk about getting kicked when you're already down.  We got home safely and we are all on the mend now, physically anyway.

On our first day home, the house became a garden.  We have gotten so many lovely flowers and they are all beautiful!  Our friends and family have been so generous and kind.  Some were sympathy flowers, others were birthday flowers, and some were a combination of the two.  Today we checked the mail and there were a ton of sympathy and birthday cards.  They all mean so much.  I especially appreciate those who say they will never forget Henry Thomas.  My biggest fear is that as time goes on, he will become a distant memory who never gets mentioned.  To me, Graham, and Conner, he is a part of our family, our 2nd son, and the baby brother.

Although my birthday passed with little celebration, I have spent the last 2 weeks surrounded by love and that's what really matters.  I was treated to a pedicure by a good friend, and that helped to brighten the day a bit.  :)  I also got 2 deliveries of cupcakes from Jilly's Cupcakery.  Those are in the freezer and will be enjoyed when senstivie tummies are able to handle them!

When the sad moments hit me, all I have to do is look at my wonderful baby boy Conner and I smile.

I know that life goes on for him, and I have to make sure each day is special and wonderful.  We will get through this and we will make sure to keep the memory of Henry alive in us all.  It's just going to be a long road.

My angel

His name is Henry Thomas Welsh.  His due date was May 17, 2012.  His nursery was going to be decorated in Noah's Ark theme.  He would have been 19 months younger than his big brother.  They would have been best friends.  I was 20 weeks and 6 days pregnant with him when we learned that his little heart was no longer beating.  Sometime between December 7 and January 4, God decided that my little blessing was needed back in Heaven.  I felt his kicks and his turns.  He heard my voice and that of his Dada's.  He knows he was loved so very much.  His big brother, Conner, would point to my belly, say "watsat?" (His way of asking What's That?)  And then he would lift my shirt and kiss his baby brother.  The physical pain of his passing is nearly gone, but the emotional pain is very strong and will stay around forever, I'm sure.  We are going to bury our sweet peanut on Saturday, in Lousiville, Ky.  He will be buried with his great grandmother, my wonderful Nanny.  I'm sure she is already holding him in Heaven, rocking him with the sweet boy she lost as well.

I can't express how much the outpouring of support and love has meant to me and Graham.  Without it, we would be lost.  Even though we may not respond to all of the messages, texts, emails, calls, notes, flowers, and letters, each one is treasured and appreciated beyond measure.  Everyone, from friends, family, doctors, hospitals, and even the funeral home has been exceedingly kind.

I don't understand this tragedy, and may never will.  But I will take the words I read in a poem, and hold them dear to my heart:  "Daddy please don't look so sad, and Mommy please don't cry.  I'm in the arms of Jesus and he's singing me lullabies."